What is separation anxiety? It “boils down” to the fear of losing something or someone. And many people (child, parent, partner, companion, or anyone else) may worry about being separated from the object of their interest. Why? Because they can’t live without him.
Separation anxiety produces uncontrolled fear, which not only induces addiction but pushes towards this same addiction. Therefore, separation anxiety is based on a situation that causes the loss of the freedom to think and act for oneself. It is an evil that makes its victim the shadow of the person or thing it does not want to be detached.
The only thing that reassures the affected person is the presence of what they care about. The object of his attachment. In children, this pain of separation is manifested by panic linked to the fear of abandonment and loneliness. In the worst case, the child is afraid of being abandoned, neglected, left, or forgotten by his parents.
Definition of separation anxiety
Separation anxiety is a form of anxiety that is present in children as well as in adults. It is characterized by a strong fear of being separated from a person or a particularly safe place.
Separation anxiety produces a feeling of anxiety, of uncontrolled fear, more or less precise, but particularly unpleasant. As I wrote previously, separation anxiety leads to a loss of autonomy. The presence of another person becomes necessary to reassure the affected person.
In children, this separation anxiety manifests itself in panic, fear of abandonment, and loneliness. Indeed, it is a fear of being abandoned, neglected, left, or, worse, forgotten by his parents.
It is a vacuum of affection, which is difficult for the child to rationalize because of his young age. He cannot objectify and becomes a prisoner of his fear. He then develops dramatic scenarios in which he is alone and without landmarks.
Manifestations of separation anxiety
There are many manifestations of separation anxiety in children. However, here are a few examples:
- Crying (Ex: when the child no longer sees his mother)
- Difficulty falling asleep
- Repeated nightmares with themes relating to separation
- Headache, stomach ache, vomiting (as soon as the child senses an upcoming separation)
- Sudden change in behavior
- Excessive reactions to certain situations
- Inability to stay alone in a room
- Too “sticky” behavior
- Require the presence of a person to accompany him to another room in the house
- Permanent quest for attention
- Excessive demands
Separation anxiety is a pathology present in about 4% of children and young adolescents. To report separation anxiety in children, symptoms must have been present for at least four weeks. Children with this emotional behavior disorder often refuse to go to school.
Separation anxiety in adults is quite debilitating. This can have consequences on all areas of his life. Treating a separation anxiety problem early is essential to ensure that it does not degenerate into a nervous breakdown.
Causes of separation anxiety
Different factors can cause separation anxiety:
Separation anxiety: Divorce
More specifically, in the young child whose parents separate, the sudden disappearance of one or the other of the two parents causes a modification of the daily routine. A feeling of insecurity.
This change leads to incomprehension in the child and disillusionment because, for him, his family was immutable.
By extension, it raises questions about the durability of other important emotional ties.
The parent with primary custody then becomes more valuable to the child. He is constantly afraid to separate from him.
Separation anxiety: The difficulty of adapting
Any change around the child causes a change in his environment’s perception, which he has difficulty accepting.
A move, even if it is close to the old home. A change of school. The death of a relative or a distant family member. Or even an illness. These are all factors that can cause great anxiety.
Separation anxiety: addiction and hyper attachment
In the process of growth, it is essential for a child to be, at some point, separated from his parents to learn to fly on his own (cf. autonomy – Green class). Once this period has arrived, and if, previously, the child had developed total dependence on his parents, this same child may suffer from anxiety.
Separation anxiety: The feeling of emptiness
In adults, separation anxiety manifests itself when, for example, a woman enters the life of a man alone (or vice versa). This new relationship can fill a gap in the person’s life, such as friendship, and generate a fear of abandonment regarding the benefits induced by this new relationship.
Indeed, the presence of this woman – or this man – “heals” the pathology of the person, who, feeling better, has every reason to fear finding herself alone again.
Therefore, the intensity of the bond that develops is a function of the emptiness experienced by this man or this woman, without depending on the quality of the moments shared. A person’s presence deceives latent boredom, loneliness and pushes them to develop an attachment.
It develops an illusion of relationship satisfaction without meeting the real needs of a woman. When one of the two or the other ceases to occupy a position in the other’s life, the anxiety of separation then becomes visible.
Symptoms of separation anxiety in adults
The symptoms of separation anxiety in adults are multiple (these symptoms of separation anxiety manifesting themselves both physically and psychically):
- Tachycardia
- Respiratory problems
- A sudden increase in sweating
- Tremors
- The sensation of lumping the stomach
- Chest discomfort
- Abdominal pain
- Dizziness accompanied by a feeling of fainting
- You feel the tingling and numbness in your hands and feet.
- Fear of losing control
- Fear of dying
- The sensation of being separated from one’s body (depersonalization – Derealization)
- Negative self-image
- Suicidal thoughts
- Mistrust
- Inhibition of action
- An outburst of Rage – Violence
- Repeated breaks
- Low level of awareness of sensations, feelings, and needs
- Decreased emotional and relational intelligence
- Weak monthly payment and production capacity
- Feeling of shame
- Permanent guilt
- Permanent breaks
- A chronic feeling of emptiness, boredom, loneliness, hopelessness, loss of meaning
- Depressed mood
- Hypersensitivity to discontinuation
- Low tolerance for frustration
- Lack of assertiveness
It should be noted that all these symptoms are not detectable or do not express themselves simultaneously. Usually, these symptoms of separation anxiety only appear in some of them. As often, this is specific to each one. To diagnose separation anxiety, at least four of these symptoms are required.
In adults, separation anxiety can affect all areas of their life. If this obsessive disorder is not treated in time, there is a risk of depression. The symptoms of separation anxiety in adults are varied, oscillating between the physical and the psychological. Here is the non-exhaustive list:
Not all of these symptoms are expressed at the same time. Only the consecutive manifestation of four of them makes it possible to detect separation anxiety.
Symptoms of separation anxiety in children
There are many manifestations of separation anxiety in children. Here are some of them:
- Crying when the child no longer sees his mother
- Difficulty falling asleep
- Repeated nightmares and above all relating to separation
- Headache
- Stomach pain, vomiting (especially as soon as the child senses a separation to come)
- Sudden change in behavior
- Excessive reactions to certain situations
- Inability to stay alone in a room
- “Sticky” behavior
- The requirement of the presence of a person to accompany him, even inside the house
- Permanent quest for attention
- Excessive demands
- Etc.
About 4% of children, and young adolescents, suffer from this pathology. However, before declaring that a child has separation anxiety, the symptoms must last for at least four weeks.
Treatment of separation anxiety in children
Does the idea of leaving you to haunt your child? Is he even worried that danger could happen to you, causing your loss or the permanent disappearance of another loved one? It’s hard sometimes, as a mom, what you can do to help your child cope with their suspicion and the anxiety that comes with it.
The only way your child can get over their anxiety is to learn to be apart from you. So, on his own, he will find out that nothing terrible is going to happen. Teach her coping skills coupled with gradual separation.
Separation anxiety: How to deal with your child?
- Talk to him about his fears, comparing them to what he can do on his own. Show him how much his abilities, and his resources, exceed the object of his fear. And how great are his chances of succeeding alone without difficulty
- Help your child to think differently. When she happens to see all opportunities through the lens of separation from you as a parent, give her reason to think and believe differently. Teach him to replace his negative thoughts with more positive, realistic ones.
- Instead, teach him to talk about what he wants, not what scares him. Help him practice this exercise several times daily. Always be there to encourage him to persevere. By dint of practice, he will eventually gain the habit of speaking healthily to reassure himself.
- Give your childproof that they can trust you to express their anguish, and their apprehensions, without running the risk of being judged or reprimanded. Please don’t make her feel like you’re trivializing the reason for her distress. Indeed, if he feels threatened by the parent whom he believed he could make attentive to his concerns, then the child will completely lose confidence, and his doubt will be amplified.
- Be patient and reassuring. Talk to him. Be positive about their ability to cope with situations that cause anxiety. Above all, please do not dwell on his weaknesses, but watch his efforts to adapt and encourage him. Reward him if necessary
- Take control of your worries. Don’t let your worries get in the way of your child’s efforts to the point of destroying them. Be a role model your child can copy to live their life without fear
Separation anxiety: It is necessary to invest in your child
- Expose – imaginary – your child to what scares him. If he is afraid of being confronted and defeated, you might start playing with him to make him accept, be positive, and transcend failure. He will then learn to savor his victory, even if the desired result is not achieved.
- Be careful not to engage in difficult conversations between parents in the presence of your child. In a situation of argument, or verbal violence, the child could quickly develop a concern about which it would be difficult for him to objectify, all the more so depending on his age, his experience, and his capacity for reasoning
- Take care of the good physical and mental health of your child. Ensure that he has a balanced diet, good sleep habits, and good physical condition through exercise. Make time for your child’s leisure and relaxation
- If, despite your efforts, your support does not succeed, ask for help to tear the child, as soon as possible, from fear and anxiety. For example, consider talking about your child to their teacher and to other adults (coaches, instructors) who may have a more fluid interpersonal relationship with them. You could learn a lot more than you imagine, or know
- Find books and websites that can help you and your child and even other family members better understand their feelings
- Contact your family doctor, pediatrician, or child psychologist. These professionals will help remove fear and anxiety from your child’s life.
Treatment of separation anxiety in adults – Method 1
Separation anxiety in adults can worsen to the point of causing social and professional complications. Here are some ways to overcome separation anxiety disorders.
Get informed! Learn about the symptoms of separation anxiety. As soon as you know how to recognize them, you can better fight them. Alone, it is to be feared that you may not reach a conclusive result. Joining a support group or a support group can be very useful.
The support group allows its members to share their experiences (symptoms, feelings, solutions applied, etc.) and draw from them the necessary strength to overcome themselves. Your doctor may find a support group near you. Discuss it with him.
You may need an adult separation anxiety therapist or Telehealth Psychiatry Services in addition to the support group. He is known to recommend techniques that will calm you down when you are worried.
Treatment of separation anxiety in adults – Method 2
Neutralize your negative thoughts! First, keep a journal where you write down all the negative thoughts, assumptions, and beliefs that haunt you as often as you find yourself panicking.
Second, take the time to replace these negative thoughts with positive ones. This will help you calm down. In this regard, cognitive behavioral therapy can help you immensely. Details may be given to you by your doctor or therapist on these matters.
Finally, have fun! To avoid ruminating on the same negative thoughts, submit your mind to other, more relaxing occupations. For example, you could indulge in your favorite hobby or focus on a task that you had left hanging. If you feel like it, go for a stroll or exercise. Visit the place, or go to the movies.
Treatment of separation anxiety in adults – Method 3
Do not hesitate to practice relaxation techniques and management of your emotions to relax you. The stomach breathing technique is a great way to relieve stress. In what way? When you feel, worry rising in you, breathe in slowly through your nose for 5 seconds.
Focus your attention on your perception of the movement of air as you breathe. Place your hand on your chest to feel it swell as you breathe.
Second, meditate for at least five minutes a day. Its purpose is to focus on your breathing while clearing your head.
Sit in a comfortable position. Start some breathing exercises. Focus your attention on your breathing. Any thoughts you might have in this pose, don’t judge, dismiss, and try not to dwell on them.
Third, visualize what is good, good, beautiful, and pleasurable. It can reduce your dread. How is it going?
Start with a few minutes of breathing exercises and meditation. Close your eyes and imagine a calm and relaxing situation. For example, imagine the water of a river flowing silently. Use your imagination to experience every possible detail of this experience. When you feel stress relieved and filled with peace, open your eyes.
As per the image above left of this paragraph, I invite you to watch one of my videos on YouTube. I offer you some relaxation exercises: “Exercises to manage stress” (video)
Treatment of separation anxiety in adults – Method 4
This technique involves exposing a person to the thing they are most afraid of. In the case of separation anxiety, you have to deal with the fear of separation.
Little by little, you will expose yourself to a situation that causes anxiety. There are several techniques. You might start by thinking of separation from loved ones to describe how you feel.
Later on, you might train yourself to be separated from your home or loved ones over more and more periods to express how you are feeling.
If you don’t have a qualified specialist, ask your loved ones to help you practice this exposure exercise. To start, ask your loved one to stand in another room while you practice relaxation techniques (breathing, mediation, etc.). Then gradually increase the distance and the time you spend away from your loved ones.
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